road trip poetry

It’s limerick time again!

Some of you might remember that I’ve been on vacation last month.1

If you are unsure or want to revel in my past musings, you can read a brief outline of my trip or dive deep into facts and stats.

I’m not sure if I got the idea to make a limerick retelling of the trip while travelling or even before. Probably even before I started, since I do have a history with those things.2

Without further ado, let’s go!

 

We did not dwell for long in Florida2014-05-15 21.09.24
The handle’s pan of ‘merica
Gatortail was had
Tasted really rad
T’was just the start of our holida’

 



We took an alligator tallyEos_Gatortail 045

In Georgia’s Alligator Alley3
Not even in a zoo
Gators we saw two
But ate no alligator taily

 


In South Carolina’s South of the BorderEos_Gatortail 087
Pedro seems to have a tack disorder
We spent our first night4
Amidst neon light5
But we had perfect steaks cooked to order6


Eos_Gatortail 193

North Carolina turned our road trip
Twice in one day into a boat trip
The sun we saw set
Without getting wet
From the top deck of our ship

 


The Virginia Beach Eos_Gatortail 296concièrge had plenty trouble
Britt’ny tried to summon transportation rabble
Gave us taxi cash instead
So we’d fin’lly get ahead
and escape the automatic hotline system bubble

 


Eos_Gatortail 829

We came to Washington D.C.
The President we did not see
Saw Discovery instead
Space Shuttle, it said
No joyride though, we didn’t have a key


Pennsylvania’s Philly has lot’s to show at allEos_Gatortail 1045
There’s Liberty Bell and Independence Hall
Cheese steak’s good as well
Trav’llers and natives tell
Rocky’s there to tell of Stallone’s fall.


2014-05-28 05.27.21Up New York City’s Empire State we went
With many a tourist up we were pent
I let one rip
On the down trip
For eighty floors we shared the scent7


Thus ends our trip in Niagara Falls, Ontario2014-05-30 19.25.08
We played some golf in a Dinosaur scenario
We ate poutine
To break routine
And paid the turnstile tax to get back home which took us ages because we had spent all our cash so I had to in fact get Canadian change with the American money I got at the border crossing ATM but the change machines only accepted fives and ones and all it gave me was a twenty for fuck’s sake8

 

 

That’s all, folks!

 

Footnotes
  1. it’s not like I haven’t told anyone []
  2. check them out . you know you want to []
  3. look it up, it’s actually a street []
  4. the first night on the road []
  5. actually in the motel room []
  6. tasty []
  7. At least I didn’t create a limerick about the homeless guy masturbating himself to sleep on the sidewalk that one night.  []
  8. seriously, not many rhymes for Ontario []

combining shakespeare and limericks

People have been screaming, crying and shouting1 for more limericks ever since I first posted a blog post containing mostly silly and/or weird rhymes for wacie’s word of the week writing challenge.

The follow-up about Pulp Fiction turned into limericks was as2 popular, so I am kind of lucky I had one more tucked away.

I originally wrote this for a web community ages ago and titled it “If Shakespeare was an Irishman”.

I don’t think anyone really knows if limericks originated from Ireland, or at least were first named/categorized there. The fact is, Shakespeare actually used this form of poetry at least once, in a drinking song in Othello.

What I did was rather simple:
I took several works of Shakespeare, browsed for interesting/well known quotes and tried to turn them into silly limericks, because, why not?

Enjoy guessing my favorites and the descent into madness, as they get weirder and weirder towards the end of this post. Well…they’re all pretty weird.

Here goes, in the order that I wrote them:

no 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s toe,
Thou art more fingery, thou shalt know!
Five on each foot,
Stuck in a boot
And none have named thee friend nor foe.

Prince of Denmark
To be or not to be, don’t ask the question
You’ll rip apart the caref’lly crafted bastion
In which
Your sanity, that bitch
Thought it could get some rest on.

Another one from Helsingore
There’s something rotten in the fridge of Denmark,
The smell so strong you neighbours yell: “Hark!
Throw out that cheese,
I beg you, please!”
It’s just the carcass of an aardvark.

In Julius Cesar, Act III, Antonius grows hungry
Friends, Romans, countrymen,
Please lend me a hen,
Some eggs I need
Mine is the greed
For an omelette fried in a pan.

The merchant of Venice was a creepy fellow
If you prick us, don’t we bleed?
If you lick us, will we breed?
Don’t by shy,
Give it a try,
A little romp is all we need!

Romeo had something very specific in mind, in act II, scene II
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
I hope she doesn’t plan to be a nun.
“A real shame!”
I would exclaim.
“That ruins an awful lot of fun!”

The Tempest probably was the weirdest
Where the bee sucks, there suck I,
Until the spring runs tot’lly dry,
Do bees suck?
What the…
Nonsense, but I admit I had to try.

Speaking of crazy, Old MacBeth should be heard about this
Is this a dagger which I see,
Why does the coroner ask me?
I’m not a corpse.
But space-time warps
And then I see a sucking bee!

Apparently Manowar stole their lyrics from Midsummernights Dream, specificly act II, scene I
My heart is true as steel,
Before me even demons kneel,
Sword at my side,
Eyes open wide,
Your troops are at my heel!

 

 

The rest is silence…

– Hamlet, act V, scene II

how I start my day - well, what did you expect?

how I start my day – well, what did you expect? – for www.52photosproject.com

Footnotes
  1. dramatization []
  2. or even more []

pulp poetry

If you have read my other blog posts, you will have stumbled across this thing. The feedback I got for those limericks was so good that posting more of my silly poetry was going to be a certainty. I’d planned it anyway, but now I don’t even have a choice.

I’ve been a fan of the movie Pulp Fiction since the first time I’d seen it, whenever that was. You can read the adventure of trying to track down a DVD of it here. A friend of mine whom I found in this internet thingy is an even more die-hard Tarantino – and of course Pulp Fiction – fan, so many conversations were peppered with quotes from Butch, Mia, Marsellus, Vince, Jules, the Wolf and all the other colourful characters in the movie. What’s more, she also enjoyed when I came forth with some silly limerick or haiku I’d made up on the spot or inserted into a story, product review or something like that.

So I decided to come up with a surprise for her, which I later even turned into a hardcopy present. I recounted the events from Pulp Fiction in form of an epic poem, each verse being a limerick.

To do that I sat down with the VHS tape I got on ebay, my laptop and watched the whole movie, writing down the order of things happening, bits of dialogue, things I wanted to use.

I can tell you, it’s really hard and it took me two sessions with a long pause inbetween to finish this monster, but I’m insanely proud of it. Considering the reaction I got from my friend it was totally worth it.

Now don’t go looking for perfect rhymes and don’t even get started on the meter, just enjoy the ride.

Here goes nothing:

Opening titles

A soft, moist, shapeless mass of matter
Names a feature film that has some splatter
Besides some drugs
a bunch of thugs
The movie features lots of funny chatter

Prologue

Two robbers having coffee in a diner
Discuss what robb’ry targets could be finer
Liquor store’s to risky
Bunny’s feeling frisky
So they decide to rob said diner

Jules asks Vinnie in the car:
Can you smoke hashish in a bar?
In Amsterdam
It’s so much fun
The cops can’t search you , so bizarre

The metric system’s Europe’s funniest thing
A quarterpound makes no bell ring
Is there a proper
Name for Whopper?
I didn’t go to Burger King

The burger is a breakfast’s cornerstone
Jules frightens Brett right to the Bone
He drinks some Sprite
Vince doesn’t bite
To Brett the metric system is well known

“Was your concentration broken?
English, motherfucker, is it spoken?”
Bullets fly
People die
In the cupboard is the looked-for token

Vincent and Mia

When Vincent shows at Mia’s home,
She snorts some coke before they’re gone
He has a drink
And time to think
Before they head out for the night to roam

The twist contest is pretty hot
The girl insists they take a shot
Vince has to dance
They take the chance
And win a trophy on the spot

As the night comes to an end
Mia puts to our contempt
An overdose
Up her nose
And Vincent drives her to his friend

They try to revive the near-dead lady
Their prospects seem rather shady
A shot to the heart
The circuit’s central part
Manages to jumpstart the above-mentioned lady

The Gold Watch

“When you kill a man, how does feel it?”
Butch’s opponent fell dead when he got hit.
“I’m American, honey”
Butch thinks of the money
“Our names don’t really mean shit”

“From giving me pleasure the oral way?”
Fabienne want’s to know the reason why,
Butch’s rip was cracked.
When all is wrapped,
“Any time of the day is a good time for pie!”

To find the watch is Butches quest
If he left without he never would rest
He finds it at home
but he is not alone
And riddles with holes Vince Vega’s chest

The following events include some gay rape
But Butch and Marcellus escape
They settle their bill
Butch will keep still
And tell no-one he came a tad late

“Whose motorcycle is this?”
“A chopper it is!”
Belonging to Zed
Zed who is dead
So there’s no need to tell you who Zed really is

The Bonnie Situation

It might be divine intervention
But it wasn’t Vince Vega’s intention
Maybe a bump
Triggered the thump
And splattered a head into each dimension

Jimmie is not quite amused
’bout his house being abused
The coffee is good
But there’s lots of blood
And as “dead nigger storage” the garage is used

When all is done, they go to dine
They look fairly clean but not very fine
Out of the mess
Wolf helped, god bless
“Must be one charming motherfucker of a swine!”

And the circle came to a close
When Yolanda and Ringo rose
To rob the diner
They thought was finer
But all they got was a bloody red nose

Roll credits

 

And here’s this week’s picture for www.52photosproject.com, the prompt being “crooked line”.

That is all.

hand_crookedlines

a few crooked lines I collected over the years

my submission to the writing challenge

For all those who missed it, there is a writing challenge going about. The full rules are here and I also wrote a blog post about it to get more people to join. What’s more, you still can join until the end of the month!

When my friend announced the writing challenge, my first thoughts were:

  • awesome
  • I’ll use the words all in order of apperance
  • I’ll put them all in really bad limericks
  • crap!

Because, if you know me, you know I’ll never back out of a silly thing once I’ve been goaded to do it.

So before you submit to the horribleness of my limerick epic, take a moment to watch this picture which I submitted to the 52 photos project.

This week’s prompt was “my reflection”. Like most hobby photographers I’m a little obsessed with reflections, so thought about posting some picture or the other of reflections on water, in windows, sunglasses or polished cars. But then I stumbled up on this one, and I’ll leave it up to you what it means.

tuba_backlight-21

 

The 2013 #chatspike word of the week writing challenge!

This year needs a retrodiction
In words of science or fiction
Not an Ekphrasis
Which is quite a bliss
Because it would end up as LOLcat caption.

Ratiocination is not really needed
Just the guidelines have to be heeded
Hey you all,
Be veridical
Have fun, sub rosa, or beat it.

It wont do malinger today
Leading my fanfaronade astray
to use every word
In t’order t’appear’d
Or wangle myself out of the way.

Some might perceive this as longueur
The clerisy finds silliness hard to bear
Ailurophiles chat
’bout the lack of cat
I guess I’ll have the canaille’s hat to wear.

No factotum is doing my writing
Which is quite enlight’ning
Aureately ’tis not
Didn’t bathe to hot
Do you wish yet I was struck by lightning?

I made the list my MacGuffin
But my cathexis needed tough’nin
Please stay my friend
Before the end
The bad rhymes ‘ll have you coughin’.

If they have the most venal looks
Or I’ll macerate and infuriate cooks
Whatever the trance
There’s no chance
This thing will end in a colporteur’s books.

Want to bleach your mind yet?
The criteria have not been met
I doubt they will
Please stay chill
For billingsgate the stage won’t be set.

No billet-doux, no effrontery
But quite some alterity
Sequacious
yet voracious
Sorry for this bad blathery.

You may find some hypocorism for me
Unless reading this your death will be
Want to keep living?
Start woolgath’ring!
Before the wordy vorago swallows thee.

This work is all but terpsichorean
And if you get hold of a DeLorean
Go back in time
Your priority prime
To find a nudnik who’ll translate this to Korean.

This poem is just a means to snaffle
Whatever wacie put into the raffle
I’m kidding,
Do my bidding,
Don’t take this serious, I’m just trying to baffle.

It’s hard making sense of ecotone,
But the sense has long been blown
If you expect
Sense in effect
There will be more to make you groan.

This epic piece wont have a corrigendum
If ever reading it I can refrain from
I’ll be glad
If Instead
I’ll turn to philately or play the steel drum.

Those limericks will never cause a masscult
Deuteragonists will consider it an insult
If forced to read
They will plead
To be spared from an extemporaneous decision’s result.

If you spread this in some conurbation
Even if only an inchoate iteration
Camarillas will form
And raise up a storm
To bring this arriviste to a carceral location.

To advert people to this chthonic thing
Some malapropism might make your ears ring
Words are abused
Brains get bruised
Hurts some apparatchik like a baseball swing.

In fact I think this crap is so bad
“Tu quoque” is no retort I’ll have had
If whoever
Hopefully never
Tells me my strung up words make ’em mad.

Only a few more words are left to use
My attempt to get by is a fey ruse!
Oriflamme!
Jean-Claude van Damme!
Styptic and mythomania don’t rhyme.1

There will be more limericks in the future. At least twice. And I promise they’re gonna be mostly better.

Thanks for bearing with me. And sorry you had to read this.

Footnotes
  1. boom! HAHA! It’s not a proper limerick epic without one of these []